


Like Sand

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-25 21:32:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14387544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: I suggest not to read under 16 years, it's about sex, drugs and alcohol. But yes, it's still Tuorja. No joke! :)





	1. Like Sand

**Author's Note:**

> The song of which I took the name for the story is by In Flames. Check out the lyrics below.

I believe that the whole wild world is against me.  
I, I, I believe that the whole wild world is afraid of me.

How did I end up here,  
Half alive and still full of fears?  
If I'm honest I think you'll see,  
I'm scared to share what's calling for me.  
You say, make the most of your time,  
Hard to work when it's not on your side.  
What can't kill you makes you stronger;  
So I heard but I'm going under!

I will try, I will try!  
I want the whole world, the whole world, the whole world in my hands  
But it's just slipping through like sand.  
I want the whole world ...

I try hard to be like you,  
You're my Queen but I break in two.  
I think I can overcome all the mistakes that I've done.  
You say, make the most of your time.  
Hard to work when it's not on your side.  
What can't kill you makes you stronger,  
So you say but I'm going under!

I will try, I will try!  
I want the whole world, the whole world, the whole world in my hands  
But it's just slipping through like sand.  
I want the whole world, the whole world, the whole world in my hands  
But it's just slipping through like sand ...

I believe that the whole wild world is afraid of me ...

I want the whole world, the whole world, the whole world in my hands  
But it's just slipping through like sand.  
I want the whole world, the whole world, the whole world in my hands  
But it's just slipping through like sand ...

© In Flames, Battles

___

Chapter One

⬇⬇⬇⬇⬇


	2. Ch 1

He should clean. Or write a song. Nah, he should take another drink. He should really clean, the bottle on the carpet seemed to stare at him.  
"Fuck you!" he growled and kicked it away. The bottle flew across the room and crashed against the wall, with a loud noise it burst and the broken glass fell down. The man crawled to the glass to lift it up, cut himself and cursed again.  
Blood fell down but he didn't care. He stared at his hand.  
Red.  
It was completely red with blood.  
He felt his insides burning. He knew he needed to stop the bleeding but he didn't move.  
After a while he turned around and walked to the bathroom, leaving a blood path behind him.  
He washed his hands and screamed.  
The water burnt on his hurt skin.  
Why did the pain feel good to him? It made him numb to the pain in his chest ...  
He wrapped a towel around his hand and looked into the mirror.  
Who was that guy?  
He looked old and ill to the songwriter. Tuomas needed a while to realise that it was himself. He hadn't looked into the mirror for a while now.  
"Fuck," he muttered. He looked old. Not like forty, more like fifty or even older. Old and sick.  
With his hurt hand he started to beat the mirror until it was shattered and red with his blood.  
He hated himself. He hated himself so much ...  
With a plan forming on his mind, he slowly took one of the sharpest shards.   
"T ..." he whispered and pushed the shard into his skin. "A. R." he wrote her name on his skin, his blood dripping on the floor.  
"Tarja," he whispered and stared at the red lines. "Oh, Tarja ..."

"Tarja!" He came towards her with a big smile and Tarja's heart jumped a bit.  
"Hey ..."  
They hugged and all of a sudden it felt like nothing had ever happened.  
Those two had been best friends after all, Tarja and Emppu.  
"How are you? Tell me everything!" The small blonde jumped up and down next to her. "The guys think you're pregnant!"  
"I'm not!" Tarja laughed. "To be honest, I haven't even thought about that yet ..."  
"You're still young, don't stress yourself." Emppu nudged Tarja's arm with his elbow. "And other than that? Everything okay in paradise?"  
"Yup," Tarja lied. A simple lie that left her lips without a problem. She had lied to herself for months, she already believed it herself.  
"What? Not a single fight?" Emppu lifted his eyebrows.  
"We fight a lot," Tarja sighed and entered the car. "Very much. But we make up immediately again. It's like -"  
"I don't want to know!" Emppu called and Tarja laughed.  
"Nooo! Not like that. It's like he doesn't want to fight. I'm always seeking for reasons to fight and he just ignores my complaints" - ignores me in general - "until I apologise. I haven't known I'm such a rageful person."  
"Maybe that's something that stuck in you for the last years? You have a lot to say. To your former bullies, to us, to Tuomas ..."  
Silence.  
"Sorry," Emppu mumbled after some minutes. He didn't want to comment on the tears in Tarja's eyes.  
"It was just a question of time," Tarja pressed out and stared at her hands. "How - how is he?"  
And again Emppu didn't answer for a very long time. "Don't know," he finally sighed.  
"You don't know?" Tarja's head shot up.  
"We haven't seen him since ... wow, since almost a year now. One day he stopped meeting us and even answering our calls. So we stopped too. Ever since we haven't seen or heard anything of him."  
"Do you want to tell me -" Tarja was shocked.  
"We have no idea if he's even in Finland. I called his mother recently, she hasn't heard anything of him either. His house is locked and the curtains are closed. We don't think he's at home. Maybe he's in Lapland, Germany, America? Who knows. He's definitely not in Argentina."  
Tarja knew that he had tried to joke but somehow she couldn't laugh. It wasn't funny.  
"You haven't heard of him in a year!? Emppu, what if he's -"  
"Dead? If Tuomas Holopainen was dead, we'd know. Wouldn't we?"  
"This is insane," Tarja mumbled. "I thought I was coming here and hear that he has planned at least three new albums, that you found another singer ..."  
"We've found another singer," Emppu said. "Anette. She's great but not like you. Actually, Tuomas started acting strange after we decided to take her. And now he's gone."  
"Why did he act strange?" Tarja asked.  
"Oh come on. It's obvious." Emppu sighed. "He missed you. And the decision of choosing another singer almost killed him."  
"He surely missed me," Tarja hissed. "That's the reason he ignored me for a year."  
Emppu sighed again and Tarja forced herself to remain calm.  
"And the singer - Anette - how is she? Does she sing like me?"  
"Haha." Emppu grinned. "Good god, no."  
"Operatic ...?"  
"Not at all. Nettie - she's cute. Herself and her voice. She has a good voice but we're working on her high notes. She's a - what's it called?"  
"Mezzosoprano?" Tarja guessed and Emppu nodded.  
"Yes. She perfectly hits notes in the middle but the higher ones ... well."  
"So no Dianne van Giersbergen," Tarja mumbled. She would have been a good call for the guys in her opinion.  
"Nope. Tuomas didn't want another lyrical singer."  
"Good," Tarja whispered.  
And again silence took over. But not in Tarja's mind, which was going crazy.  
Where is he? What is he doing? What if he's ill? Why did no one try to open the house? Call the police??

Emppu brought Tarja to her father's house.  
"Thank you very much for picking me up." Tarja smiled at the guitarist. "I'm glad you're not mad at me..."  
"Please! I could never be mad at you. We all know it wasn't your fault."  
"Not entirely," Tarja added. "Everyone has to take a blame."  
"Yep," Emppu commented and hugged the singer. "Do you want to join us tonight?"  
"Us? Who ...?"  
"Me, Jukka, Satu, Marco and Manki. Like in old times." Emppu smiled.  
"Minus Tuomas, plus me," Tarja muttered and sighed. "I don't know. I'll call you, okay?"  
"Yeah. See you!"  
Tarja waved as the car drove away. As soon as he was out of sight, she buried her face in her palms.  
Where was Tuomas? He was gone for almost a year, no had had heard of him ... And no one cared?  
Something wasn't right here.

After having a small chat with her father, Tarja asked him if she could borrow his car for a while. And of course she could, so she drove right to Tuomas' house.  
And though she knew that sunglasses weren't useful if a hardcore fan or paparazzi would see her, she still wore them. She felt safer with them.  
She soon figured out that Emppu had been right, the curtains were closed. The door was shut. She rang the door bell ten times but he didn't open. Of course. He wasn't at home.

For a second Tuomas had thought about opening. After the seventh time the door bell was ringing he went to the door, had already put his hand on the doorknob.  
But then he had thought at the chaos of his house and decided not to. No matter who is was, his mother, his sister, Emppu or even Marco - he didn't want anyone to see this. Vodka bottles, sleeping pills over other, colourful little pills, blood, shards, cigarettes, ...  
Tuomas went to the kitchen window and pulled the curtain aside. Just a little, to see who didn't give up ringing the door bell.  
And whom he saw, made his heart stop.  
He rubbed his eyes and looked again.  
There was a woman, around Tarja's height and Tarja's age. She had black hair and looked exactly like Tarja.  
But it couldn't be her. She couldn't be here. She was in Buenos Aires with her oh so great husband.  
Tuomas felt the blood boil in his veins and he buried his nails into his flesh to obtain himself from screaming.  
Tarja rang again and looked up into the sky.  
"Tuomas? I'll ring once again and if you won't open then, I'll walk away!" she shouted.  
Tuomas could hear her. Her voice still sounded like her voice had one and a half years ago. Cute. Determined. Soft and strict.  
His heart ached and he looked at the bloody lines on his arms. The biggest ones said "Tarja", other ones said "love me", "be mine" or "I love you".  
He hadn't done it to kill himself. Only to hurt himself.  
And Tarja rang again, one last time. Followed by heavy banging on his door.  
Tuomas couldn't help but smile. She was so cute. But why was she here.  
"Open, asshole! I know you're here!"  
"Why, can you feel my presence, witch?" Tuomas slurred and suddenly he realised that he couldn't open her. His skin was cut, he looked old and ill, he was drunk. He was always drunk now. And of course, if Tarja found those colourful pills, she'd kill him.  
Sadly he smiled and watched her walk away, back to her car.  
"Sorry, baby ..." he slurred and took another big sip of his Koskenkorva. Soon the bottles he had bought in advance would be empty and he had to go out again ... if he didn't succeed to kill himself first.  
But suddenly he didn't feel like killing himself anymore. Tarja was back, she had returned and was ready to talk to him!  
"Which day is today?" he mumbled and checked the calendar. "What date is even ... where's my phone ..."  
He spent the next hour looking for his phone. He found it under his bed and found out that it was Saturday the 21st of April.  
"Saturday ..." he mumbled and smiled a bit, looking at his reflection in the mirror. "Party day. What about if I took you out to the Karhu bar? Sounds good? Red or blue? Or maybe yellow?"  
He took the yellow pill and swallowed it with a big sip of the transparent liquid he considered his saviour.

"I'm glad you decided to come with us!" Emppu called happily after Tarja was done saying hello to everyone.  
"Yes. I kind of had to. I need to know more about Tuomas."  
"We'd also like to," Marco sighed. "Believe me."  
"Why hasn't anyone tried to break the door open? Or called the police?"  
No one answered.  
"Guys, really. Maybe he left a hint or he -"  
"Would be found dead," Jukka ended quietly. "We were afraid of finding him dead."  
"And that's why you ignore it and keep telling youself that he is in Lapland?" Tarja raged.  
"There's still hope," Emppu replied. "And as long as we still have hope, we won't stop waiting for him to return back home on his own."  
"I was at his house today," Tarja said calmly, ignoring the other's stares. "I'm just wondering why there isn't a single card in his post box?"  
"What do you mean?" Jukka asked slowly.  
"I mean," Tarja said loudly, "that someone has to come and clean his post box at least once a week. Does Kirsti do that? Or do you?"  
The guys shook their heads.  
"Means?" Tarja asked on.  
"Tuomas," Manki replied instead of any of the men. "Tuomas himself is cleaning the box."  
"Yes." Tarja leaned back. "And - hell, is that him!?"  
A man had just entered the bar, a man who looked like Tuomas. And at the same time he didn't.  
He looked almost twice as old as the Tuomas. His skin looked gray and his hair long and bushy. He was wearing sunglasses but to Tarja, who had seen him from drunk to totally wasted several times, it was clear. This guy was Tuomas.  
And also the rest of band had seen him now, shocked they followed his moves with their eyes.  
He came to stand next to the bar, starting to talk with a woman who was for sure over fifty already. She was wearing a short skirt and her cut out was way too deep. Also her breasts looked very unreal to Tarja. She said something and Tuomas started to count money out of his wallet.  
And - unseen to others but not to Tarja - he gave her a small, blue pill along the money.  
The woman looked at both and nodded. And then they left together.  
Tarja didn't know what to say. Her world felt as if it had broken together.  
She had done that to him. It was her fault.  
"Was that really ..."  
"Tuomas. He's sleeping with a hooker."  
"Did you also see -?"  
"The pill? Yes. What was that?"  
"Ever heard of ecstasy? Party drug?"  
"Fuck."  
"Yep."  
"Tarja? Tarja, are you okay??"  
Jukka grabbed Tarja's shoulder and shook her a bit.  
Tarja look into the round. "Of course I'm not okay," she whispered but then she stood up. "We have to help him!"


	3. Chapter 3

"Should we tell Kirsti?" Emppu mumbled.  
"I don't think so. If she doesn't know where Tuomas is ... she will be broken if she knew he was here all the time." Tarja stared at her hands. They had spent the last twenty minutes talking in the car.  
"You're right. And if she finds out what he's doing ..."  
"My God," Tarja whispered and closed her eyes. "I can't believe he ... he's doing this."  
"I know." Emppu put his hand on the singer's shoulder. "Damn, suddenly I wish he was just gone ... vanished to Australia or Canada."  
Tarja snorted. "Now it's too late. Though I'm still wondering why no one hasn't tried to help him."  
"The first few months he was alright, I swear! He seemed a bit sad, of course, after all he ..." Emppu went silent.  
"He?" Tarja raised her eyebrow at the guitarist and Emppu sighed.  
"He loved you. And then you were gone."  
"If he really loved me, he had a strange way to show it," Tarja replied dryly.  
"Tarja," Emppu sighed again. "Damn, you know he did. And when you left -"  
"Got kicked out," Tarja mumbled.  
"Fine. When you got kicked out he was devastated. He couldn't eat nor sleep for weeks. Then, slowly, he started feeling better. He told us his doctor had prescribed something to him."  
"Really? Do you think that back then he was already taking those pills?" Tarja shook her head. How couldn't they have noticed?  
"I'm not sure," Emppu mumbled. 'Sometimes he seemed almost too happy, so maybe. We were fine with it and didn't care about the fact that he started drinking a lot."  
"More than he already did?" Tarja wanted to know and Emppu nodded.  
"Yep."  
"Shit," Tarja cursed and hit her forehead with her palm. "Why didn't you call me?!"  
"Are you crazy? Okay, wait a second, I'm trying to imagine." Emppu laughed quietly. "Hey, Marcelo. This is Emppu." He changed his voice, making it sound deeper. "Emppu who?"  
"You asshole!" Tarja laughed but Emppu continued the imitation of Marcelo.  
"Emmpu Vuorinen. From Nightwish? - What's Nightwish? - Very funny, Marcelo. Can I talk to Tarja? - Just one second, she's warming up her voice. Can't you hear her? ... warm up your voice!"  
Tarja shook her head but played along. She just sang a few notes, what exactly did he expect her to do?  
"Hello, Tarja, are you done warming up your voice."  
"Yes. Who's there?"  
"Emppu."  
"Oh, hello, Emp! Nice to hear from you!"  
Emppu narrowed his eyes at Tarja. "You would have greeted me like that?"  
"Of course. Now go on. How can I help you?"  
"The guys and I are worried about Tuomas."  
"Why would I care?" Tarja said within a second and immediately regretted it. "Fuck ..."  
"Because he was your friend." Emppu was calm but his eyes said Told you so.  
"Okay, what's wrong with that fucker?" Tarja asked.  
"He drinks. A lot."  
Tarja laughed. "More than usually?"  
"Yes, Tarja. Very much more. Can't you come to Finland?"  
"No, I'm sorry. I'm working on my first solo album." Here Tarja realised that Emppu had been right. She would have raged if they had called her. If she hadn't returned to Finland on her own because of her brother's wedding, she wouldn't have contacted any of the guys. Not even Emppu. "I'm sorry ..."  
"Now you know why we didn't call you."  
"For sure."  
For a few minutes there was silence. Then Tarja spoke up again, carefully.  
"And then? He just vanished?"  
"Not even that. We talked about his alcohol problem to him. He ... he totally lost it. He started ..." Emppu stopped.  
"What? What??"  
"He ... started beating us. I don't know, I woke up minutes later ..."  
Tarja gasped. "He did what!?"  
"Jukka only had a broken nose. Marco has saved us from him but he has managed to knock me out for a while. And when I woke up, he was gone. He had ran away. And that's when we stopped to talk to him."  
"Oh my god ..." Tarja whispered and shook her head slowly. "I can't believe ... He has beaten you up? Oh, Emppu ..."  
"Eh, I would have beaten back so hard if someone had prepared me. How could I know that he would react like that?"  
Tarja was still speechless. Tuomas. Her Tuomas was an alcoholic, sleeping with hookers, had beaten up Emppu and Jukka. Her Tuomas looked like an old drug addict now. Which he was, technically.  
Without wanting it, she burst into tears.  
"I ... I thought he'd feel better ... if I and ... Marcelo were out of his life," she sobbed. "B-but instead he's throwing his l-life away ... it's all my fault, Emp ... I'm such a b-bad human ... He only wanted to open m-my eyes ... He only wanted to help me ..."  
"And have you, for sure," Emppu said and patted Tarja's shoulder. "But you didn't love him, so -"  
"The hell I did!" Tarja shouted and Emppu winced.  
"Well - I said you didn't love him, no need to shout."  
"No. You don't understand." Tarja sniffed and rubbed her eyes dry with the help of her jacket's sleeves. "I did love him. I probably still do. Or how else would you describe this feeling in my chest? My heart is torn ..."  
"You loved him?" Emppu asked in shock. "But ... Marcelo ..."  
"He's a good man and I like him a lot. But I shouldn't have married him that early already. Just to do my mother a favour before her death."  
"Did you ever tell him? Tuomas, I mean. That you loved him."  
"Of course not!" Tarja snorted. "He would've never stopped talking about it."  
"But maybe he would have treated you differently. And now both of you would be somewhere else."  
Tarja didn't answer. He was right, of course he was right.  
"Timo is getting married tomorrow," she then said slowly. "I should ... I should have a shower and go to bed."  
"Yes, you should." Emppu smiled at her. "Have fun."  
"Thanks. I'll call you the day after, okay? And then we'll figure out what to do."  
"Yup. Don't think to much about it."  
Tarja grimaced. "I'll try not to."  
They hugged and said good night.  
And Tarja managed to hold her tears back until the water coming out of the shower head was falling down on her back.

Tarja had been at the bar as well. Tuomas had seen that she had noticed him, his heart had ached as he had seen her eyes; wide and filled with tears. He hadn't even paid attention to the guys. Not as long as Tarja was with them.  
"What now?" the hooker asked.  
"What?" Tuomas lit a cigarette.   
"Won't you bring me to your home?"  
"Nah. I don't have a home."  
"What are you, a hobo?"  
"Almost. I make money with the pills. But I don't really live somewhere."  
The blonde woman rolled her eyes. "Great. Let's do it here, in the park?"  
"Sure, why not." Tuomas snipped the cigarette away. "Do you have any rules?"  
"Oh, you know how it works. Had many prostitutes before?"  
"A few." Tuomas shrugged.  
"With me you can do anything," the woman purred and winked. Tuomas grinned.

After fucking her he did what he always did, he just left. He wasn't interested in those women.  
"My name is not Tarja by the way," she had giggled after he had come. "But for you I can be anyone. Who is she, your ex girlfriend?"  
"Yeah," Tuomas had grunted and that was it. No more words about her.  
He kicked a beer bottle away and just walked.  
Until he was there, without realising he had walked to Puhos. Tuomas was confused - had he really walked two hours now? He checked the clock and really - it was four in the morning. It had felt like ten minutes.  
"Of course ... the drugs ..." Tuomas laughed and then sighed, ashamed. Now that he had seen the tears in Tarja's eyes, he didn't want to continue. As he had seen how hurt the woman was, he realised what he had thrown away. Not only he had kicked the love of his life completely out of his life, also he had destroyed every chance to stay friends with that stupid letter he had written. Lies over lies. Cultural differences, as if he cared! He wished he had been brave enough to tell her the truth in the letter:  
Tarja -  
I can't go on like this. Seeing you every day makes me want to cry forever. I'm not depressed but I still feel for you. And you and Marcelo... that's too much for me. I'm happy that you are happy, I really want you to be happy, but I wish I didn't get reminded of it everyday. That you aren't happy with me. I'm trying hard to hate Marcelo and blame everything on him but how could I? You obviously love him. He's too lucky, I wish I was that lucky ... anyway, with these lines, I (and the guys) are giving you free for another band. Or a solo career, as you talked about. You are no longer bonded with Nightwish but I hope we can part in peace. Maybe I will find my luck as well one day.  
With eternal love for you,   
Tuomas.  
But it was too late. And he would hate himself forever.  
He sat down in front of Tarja's old house, he was sure she was staying here. Where else? Here she still had a room.  
Should he wait for her? Or should he wait for the next bus leaving back to Kitee?  
He decided to do so, walked over to the bus stop and lay down on the bench. He had no idea when the bus would come but he didn't care. As soon as he woke up, and hopefully be sober enough, he could check.

Tarja awoke at seven. At first she cursed her alarm clock but then she remembered why it had even rang - Timo's wedding!  
Within a second she was wide awake and jumped out of her bed. She ran down and hugged her father.  
"Morning, daddy!"  
Teuvo laughed. "Morning, sweetie. You're in a good mood, I guess?"  
"Totally! I am so excited. Timo has always said he'd never find the one but now he did. Aren't you excited?!"  
"A bit," Teuvo chuckled. "I just wished that Marjatta was here ... shame that she could only be at your wedding."  
"Yeah ..."  
"Speaking of your marriage, where is Marcelo?"  
Tarja rolled her eyes. "He couldn't come. Work."  
Teuvo looked at his daughter. "Is everything okay between you two...?"  
"Not really," Tarja sighed and grabbed a cup of coffee. "Work is all he's thinking about. I mean, I love working too. But I still have time for friends and family. He doesn't even look at me, you know. In the evening, when I want to watch a movie or go out, he's busy with his laptop. He should have married his laptop, seriously."  
Teuvo shook his head. "Have you talked about it to him?"  
"Of course!" Tarja raged. "His answer is always the same. 'I'm doing this for you, baby, to make you famous.' And it's true, he organises everything for me. And he's a wonderful manager. But husband ..."  
"I'm so sorry," Teuvo sighed and looked at his daughter, who was staring out of the window. "So what are you going to do? Just wait until - Tarja?"  
"Is that ... Tuomas??"   
Tarja placed her cup on the table and walked to the window, staring at the black bundle of clothes out there.  
Then she turned around, shocked. "Papa, Tuomas is out there! He's sleeping on the bench of the bus stop!"  
"Do you want to wake him?" Teuvo asked worried.  
"What is he doing here?" Tarja muttered and grabbed her jacket. "I need to talk to him," she said determined while slipping into her shoes. "Watch me from the window, in case he ..." - hurts me - "does something. I don't know."  
She quickly walked over to the bus stop, praying that he wasn't dead. Had he really spent the night here? Why - because of her?  
"Sure," Tarja snorted and started shaking him. It really was him. "Tuomas ... hey, Tuomas ..."  
Tuomas opened his eyes, slowly.  
"I'm dreaming ... or am I dead?"  
Tarja felt like crying. "No ...you're not. I'm here, it's really me ..."  
Tuomas smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

"Tarja ..." He tried to lift his head but realised that he was too weak. Oh no. Why was it Tarja who had found him? The police would have been better, in his opinion.  
"Hi," Tarja replied. His heart ached, she still sounded the same. Not her voice - the way she talked. "What are you doing here?"  
"I don't know ..." he tried to sit up but the nausea was too strong.  
"Did your hooker bring you here?" Tarja's tone was hard to assign. Was it sad or disappointed?  
"So you saw us ..." Tuomas closed his eyes.  
Tarja laughed. "We all saw you. I am very shocked, Tuo. You're throwing your life away."  
"Just because I sleep with hookers? Oh, please."  
"You know what I mean," Tarja said softly. "The blue pill you gave to her?"  
"That was viagra," Tuomas mumbled.  
"I'm not stupid," Tarja hissed. "I know what it was and I'm sure you take it too often. Same with the alcohol ... are you completely out of your mind?? You look horrible!"  
"It soothes the pain," Tuomas mumbled and Tarja shook her head again.  
"I need to go back. Timo and Karo are going to marry today ..."  
"Yeah? That's great ... so you'll be gone for a while?"  
"I'll come back soon," Tarja replied. "I don't want to be hungover tomorrow, since I'm going to fly home at ten."  
"Oh," Tuomas said quietly. "Well, I'll be waiting for you at home. Visit me ... okay?"  
"Okay, I promise. But only if you whether drink nor take one of those pills nor ... do anything."  
"I won't do any of that," Tuomas replied gently and Tarja smiled.  
"See you, then," she said and turned around to walk back to the house.  
"Wait," Tuomas suddenly called and Tarja looked at him. "It feels good to see you again in real life instead of newspapers."  
Tarja smiled sadly. "I hope I can help you somehow," she mumbled and returned to her waiting father. "He definitely needs help," she just said before walking upstairs to get ready.

Tuomas took the next bus back to Kitee, he didn't want to walk two hours again. At home he set an alarm to three in the afternoon and went to bed.  
And as the alarm rang, he first took a shower and then started cleaning. Away with the bottles, away with the white powder he didn't want her to see. Away with all the blood, sadly it stuck at the walls and floor and even on the furniture. He tried everything to clean it and as he was done, strange light red spots were left at the wall. He threw away all the painkillers and other medications - besides the sleeping pills. He still needed them, otherwise he wouldn't be able to sleep.  
It was six when he finished cleaning. Tarja still wasn't here but he didn't worry. She hadn't told him when she'd be there and he knew how long weddings could last. He remembered Tarja's and Marcelo's wedding ... everyone had danced and drank until the early morning. Everyone besides him ...  
But an hour later she was here.  
She rang the doorbell and Tuomas shot to the door, ripping it open.

Tarja had thought about Tuomas during the whole wedding. First of all because she knew she was about to visit him later and second ... second because she had thought back to her own wedding. Thought back to how Tuomas had acted, how he had been in that one corner for the whole evening. No food he had touched, only drinks. Tarja had ignored it, thinking he would calm down eventually. Then, the next day, she had found out that Tuomas had been brought to hospital. He had a alcohol poisoning ... Tarja remembered how angry she had been, how much she had cried because he had destroyed her big day. Now she knew why he had done it and now she knew why he had acted how he had.  
After she had gotten herself a glass of wine at the wedding party, she had thought about everything that happened and could have happened. For example, Tuomas could have died. Either at her own wedding party or during that year nobody knew where he was. Or he could have talked about his feelings, tell her before, after or even during her wedding. Preferably before. If he had told her on time, she would have left Marcelo. Probably. Maybe. Tarja rubbed her temples, just the very moment her younger brother sat down next to her.  
"Hey," Toni said and smiled at his sister. "Are you okay? You look quite done."  
"I am quite done," Tarja replied. "I'm about to visit Tuomas later."  
"So he's really still here," Toni mumbled. "I haven't seen him in ages, I was sure he had left Kitee."  
"Everyone thought so," Tarja said, "yet no one cared to check his post box. And he turned from a sad man into an aggressive, alcoholic, whore-fucking man, just because no one cared to visit him. I am so angry, Toni."  
The younger guy smiled lightly. "I totally get you."  
"Now it's me who has to help him. I can't believe it - after all he has done to me." Tarja stared at the red liquid in her glass. After she had heard about Tuomas' drinking stories, she felt like she needed to quit as well. She sighed and pushed the wine over to her brother. "For you. I need to go now. I'm scared he will do something to himself."  
Toni smiled understanding and hugged his sister before she left.  
"Good luck."  
And after saying goodbye to her father, Timo and his newly wedded wife, she went to her car and started the motor. She drove slowly, she was scared of the meeting.  
What if he had changed? What if he was still the same?  
Eventually though she reached his house. She collected all her courage and rang, hoping he'd open the first time she rang.  
And he did. 

He opened the door and had to hold his breath. Now that he was sober, she looked even more gorgeous. Her hair had grown a lot, it almost reached to her hips now. Her eyes - had they been just as green before? And her lips, why did they look even fuller to him now, even more inviting to kiss?   
"Hi," she said and with a pang in his chest he realised that he had missed her voice the most. Not when she sang, also when she talked.  
"Hi ..." he said, his voice raspy. "I've cleaned but if you find something on the floor, just leave it be. I'm not really organised."  
"It's okay," Tarja answered and walked in, but even though she said it was okay, he could see her eyes widen a bit. Yes, the blood hadn't vanished from the wall. Yes, it did look a bit dirty. As if no one had cleaned for at least six months.  
"Where can I leave my jacket?" Tarja asked and Tuomas reached his hand out to her. Tarja slipped out of her jacket and gave it to him. Then she watched him walk to the couch and place it over the back rest. Then her eyes wandered around the room again. It was obvious that he had cleaned the whole day but yet there were some proofs that he had been a drinker. And it smelled, the whole room smelled like sweat and alcohol. Tarja wrinkled her nose. "Tuomas ..."  
"I know it's not the cleanest. I had a hard time."  
"I heard about it."  
"What exactly did you hear?" Tuomas asked carefully.  
"Can I sit down safely? I mean - will I run the risk of getting scabies or hepatitis if I sit down here?"  
"I hope that was only a joke," Tuomas said. "Why would you get scabies?"  
Tarja chuckled and sat down. "It was a joke indeed. So yeah, I've heard you gave Jukka a new look."  
Tuomas looked at her weirdly. "Huh?"  
"You broke his nose," Tarja explained. "And you almost killed Emppu! Were you nuts?"  
"I ... I guess I was." Tuomas stared at his hands. "Nuts and lovesick and ... sick of life. I have tried to kill my pain so many times but I've never succeeded. The next day it was only worse ..."  
"Kill your pain?" Tarja raised her brows. "How - with killing youself?"  
"With drinking until I became unconscious." Tuomas avoided her look. If he told her about his suicide thoughts she would find out about his scars. She would find out about them sooner or later anyway and then she would see what he had written into his skin; all those love declarations and her name all over his skin ...  
No, he wouldn't tell her.  
"But Tuomas, you should already know that drinking yourself unconscious doesn't help." Tarja stood up and got closer to him. Then she sat down right next to him. "Why did you do it anyway? Only because I was gone?"  
"No ... not because of that," Tuomas still stared at his hands as he spoke. "Just because I did this to you. Throwing you out of the band, out of my life. Later I realised that I could have talked with you, fire you from the band in a nicer way. And - especially - asking you to stay friends with me. Knowing that I would never see you again, this was what hurt me the most. Of course the knowledge that you are married with someone else than me didn't help either but ... not seeing you was worse. Not hearing your voice, not touching your hands ..."  
Finally he looked up.  
Tarja wasn't able to speak, that was probably the longest speech he had ever held about his feelings. And his eyes were full of tears. And then he took her hand.  
Tarja shivered at the touch. Damn, he still managed to send a cold chill down her spine. She feared that he still loved her. It was complicated, she was trying to get over him. But now he was touching her, telling her about his feelings. Tarja knew she couldn't just forget what she felt for him.  
"Why haven't you tried to find a girlfriend? She could have helped you over this hard time ..."  
Tuomas snorted. "A girlfriend ... I had many affairs during the first months, Tarja. Those little fangirls were all too glad to give themselves to me -"  
Tarja moaned. "You took advantage of your fangirls??"  
"They wanted me to," Tuomas said a bit offended. "Yes, some of them were quite young, but I always checked their age before I -"  
"I really don't want to hear it," Tarja groaned. "But why didn't you try to date!?"  
"Because," Tuomas said quietly, "every woman I met had something that you had. Black hair. Green eyes. The same height as you. Your nose or your facial shape. Either they really had those features and that was why I allowed myself to be with them or I just imagined it because I missed you so much. But I couldn't date one of them. And then when there was a woman who didn't look at you at all ... I couldn't even talk to her. It felt like I was betraying myself, I know it sounds strange but ... when I was with a girl who reminded me of you, I felt good. It hurt but it felt good. It gave me strength to move on ..."  
"Doesn't sound like it," Tarja said sadly. "You looked for features of me in those girls because you love to hurt yourself. That's bad but at least you moved on slowly. When did it change?"  
"I don't know. I guess I just started drinking more and more and quit going out, quit meeting girls ... And then I gave Jukka a new look, as you said before."  
Tarja couldn't answer. She had never thought her dismissal would escalate like it had. She had thought he would be sad for a few weeks or even months and then move on, find a girl and continue writing those amazing masterpieces that had brought him so far and would bring him to where he should be now.  
But where he really was, was his grubby living room, holding her hand like he would never let her go again.  
And for some very weird reason Tarja liked it.


	5. Chapter 5

Despite yesterday's happenings, Tarja flew back to Argentina the day after.  
And as she got out of the plane in Buenos Aires, she realised that she hadn't missed it, whether the heat nor the loudness. Finland was too calm compared to Argentina, yet Tarja somehow wished herself back to Kitee.  
But she was here. In the big, loud city. She got greeted by so many people, people screamed her name and waved at her. No one did that in Finland but for the first time Tarja was annoyed by all those fans who never left her in peace.  
Yet she smiled, waved back, didn't say no to taking pictures.  
Sure people in Finland recognised her too, they simply didn't talk to her though. But why did she wish to go back there all of a sudden? To the cold, unfriendly country.  
She was sure that she just needed some time to got used to Argentina again.

A week later ...

Everything had started alright with Marcelo. He had told her he had missed her, Tarja had told him the same. Even though she hadn't really said the truth, she had realised that he was a good guy to be with. He had prepared wine and food for her, knowing she would be exhausted. After dinner he offered her a massage. Tarja was surprised and wondered if he maybe only needed sex and was trying to get her with more effort than usual. But he just gave her relaxing massage, that was all. Tarja sighed happily and closed her eyes.  
"I love you," she heard his voice in her ear and chuckled.  
"What did you do?"  
"What do you mean? I didn't do anything."  
"Wine, food, a massage ... you got a bad consciousness. Or you just want to have sex with me."  
"You know I want sex with you," her husband answered and Tarja sighed.  
"Of course. Men, seriously. Can we wait until tomorrow?"  
"Of course, everything for you." Marcelo kissed his wife. "Let's just go to bed."  
'He did do something,' Tarja thought and instantly started to worry.   
But the week had went fast and soon everything was back to normal. The ignoring, the short, obligatory sex, the quiet dinners. He didn't give her massages anymore and didn't cook food for her. And Tarja was back to her unsatisfied self.  
Until she opened her laptop one day ... and realised that she had gotten an email from a site she hadn't visited in ages:  
MySpace.  
She had only used it to stay in contact with some of her friends but now her mail said something she almost didn't believe.  
Tuomas Holopainen sent you a message.  
With shaking hands she opened MySpace and typed in her name and password, not knowing what to hope, either for a misunderstanding or that he really wrote her.  
Her feed was quite filled, as she hadn't visited the site in two whole years. But now she only cared for the small envelope that was showing that she had indeed a few messages.  
One of them by Tuomas. And it was a long one.

Dearest Tarja,  
Don't worry, this mail won't get public. This is a letter only from me, only to you. My beauty, believe me, I was truly shaken as I saw you. Mostly because I couldn't remember all of you and was surprised how mesmerising you were. After one and a half years of drinkig and doing drugs those 9 years with you felt like a dream. A dream that had started wonderful, with friendship, a band and love. But then the dream had turned into a nightmare, I had lost you, change, lost you even more and finally lost you forever. That was the end of the dream, I woke up and realised that I've never been anything else than a miserable man who made up a whole story about the woman of his dreams, this beautiful dark haired siren he had already fancied in school. That she wasn't real hurt him so much, that he tried to kill his pain with alcohol. >Thinking that your conscience's clearer if you drink your dreams away<, right? I know it's about me and you're right. That's what I did. Of course I saw you in newspapers and on the television, but while not being myself, I thought that I only used your face because I liked it. That I had fallen in love with your looks and had used you for my weird dreams about this weird symphonic metal band. You lived in Argentina, I told myself, how was I supposed to know you? No, you weren't in this band, this band called Nightwish didn't exist.  
I told you, I was feeling really bad, right? Now you know how bad it was: I thought that you and Nightwish were a dream. Crazy, isn't it? But then, Tari.  
Then you stood in front of my door.  
When you visited me for the first time, when you rang the doorbell ten times.  
And that made me drink again. Because I realised it was all real, the band, you, the kickout, the pain. Oh, Tari. Dearest Tarja. I am so sorry for what I did that evening and I will be forever thankful that you didn't hit me as you found me. Or just ignored me, or called the police.  
No, you cared about me and even visited me later that day. For some time I've asked myself why I had fallen for you in the first place, but the answer isn't hard. Look at yourself. Try to talk to yourself. You're everything, Tarja. You're everything for me. And of course I know that you didn't choose me, but I'm fine with it. Be sure I'll try to quit that shit I'm doing with my life, thanks to you I've realised that I was indeed destroying myself ... thank you for doing this to me. From stealing my heart to helping me through the hardest time I've ever had.  
I will always love you.  
Forever yours,  
Tuomas.

Tarja was speechless. Tears had started to form in her eyes.  
Tuomas had thought she was a dream?  
Hesitating, she placed her fingers on the keyboard and replied.

Tuomas,  
Your mail left me in tears. I am deeply sorry for your misery, I wish I had known about it earlier. Promise me you'll really quit "that shit", okay? I will check on you next time I go to Finland.  
Should she comment on his love declarations? No, she decided.  
Text me, if you have a problem. I'll be there as fast as possible. Never forget that we are friends.  
Tarja.

Tarja didn't wait for an answer, but only five minutes later see had one.

I promise, Tari. Anything for you. And yes, we are friends.

___

For weeks they texted everyday.  
Nothing deep, they just told each other about their days, Tuomas told her what he had done (or not done, as drinking alcohol), Tarja told him about new ideas for her songs.   
It was like years ago, before everything had turned into a nightmare. Tarja and Tuomas started to become friends again, friends who talked about everything.  
And after some more weeks, Tarja felt safe to tell him her secret.  
You were right, Tuomas.  
With what? Tuomas wrote back, his heart beating.   
With Marcelo. Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful man, really. But ... a horrible husband.   
What did he do? Tuomas replied, immediately thinking of the worst.  
Nothing. And that's it. He never does anything, he doesn't help me in the house, never cooks, never does the laundry or cleans the windows. He never works in the garden. He's never at home in general. Tarja hesitated. Should she? The only thing he does, is having his way with me every now and then. If I count how many times we've slept with each other in those weeks since I came home ... Six or seven times. And the amount of orgasms I've had in the last years ... zero.  
Wow, Tuomas replied, so much information ...  
Sorry. Tarja grimaced. She wished she hadn't told him. I felt safe to tell you.  
It's fine, Tuomas answered. Really. Poor you, he leaves you truly unsatisfied ... but how can you say he's a good man if he's such an egoist?  
Because he would never hurt me, Tarja answered. That's the last thing he would do. Or cheat on me. He's a good man, just a horrible husband. No wonder his wife divorced him right after the birth of their second son.  
Are you thinking of children? Tuomas dared to ask and prayed she'd say no. But ...  
Yes.  
His heart stopped but then he read on.  
Not immediately, maybe not even in the next five years. Yes, I want a baby one day... but not with him.  
Are you thinking of divorce? Tuomas asked on. He needed to know.   
Yes.  
He jumped into the air. Yes! Tarja would divorce him! Maybe he had another chance with her??  
Don't tell anyone. I beg you, Tuomas!  
Of course not, Tari, Tuomas typed with shaking hands. I would never. But if you need anything, no matter for what ... just tell me.  
Tarja bit her lip, knowing all too well what he meant. Support. Money. A place to live. And ... sex.  
Tarja moaned and started to massage her temples.  
Had she really just considered sleeping with Tuomas??  
Of course she had already thought about sleeping with him many many times but that had been long before her marriage, before Marcelo even. She had been innocent 20 years, well, not exactly innocent but still young and not really experienced. She had fantasised about the shy young man in such shameless ways that she sometimes was embarrassed about her own thoughts.   
And then she had pleasured herself while thinking of him ... or more or less tried to pleasure herself. Back then she didn't really know how to masturbate properly, something she had thankfully learned after a while.  
Still in thoughts about self-pleasuring, she typed back.  
There is something I need but you can't give it to me due to the distance between us.  
In Finland, Tuomas swallowed. What is it? Tell me and I'll see what I can do ...  
Tarja snorted. Why had she done this, oh god. Think of it. I've told you already ...  
Tuomas thought. What could she need? Help in the house? She said Marcelo never helped her in the house, she said Marcelo hadn't ...  
Marcelo hadn't given her an orgasm in years.  
Oh good god.  
An orgasm? he typed and hoped he was right. If not, he could as well go outside and dig himself a grave.  
But Tarja whether negated nor said yes, she simply wrote:  
I need to go, Tuomas.  
Okay. See you tomorrow?   
'See' you tomorrow ;) She chuckled. Are you suggesting to video chat?  
I wasn't, but I wouldn't say no, Tuomas replied. The thought of seeing her again, even though it was only through a webcam, made him excited.  
Tarja sent another winking smiley and then they ended the chat.  
Tarja threw herself on her bed with a beating heart. What was happening?  
She had thought she was over Tuomas, she had fallen out of love with him ages ago! The time he had started to be mean to her.  
Tarja was desperate. No ... she couldn't fall for him again. He was still a wreck, he had fucked hookers, had taken ecstasy, had drank - a lot! And he had been suicidal.  
All because of you, dear, a nagging voice in the back of her head said and sadly Tarja knew that this voice was right. If she hadn't ... what - fallen in love with Marcelo?  
No, if she hadn't changed! Yes, if she hadn't changed her behaviour towards her friends and bandmates, Tuomas wouldn't have gone so far.  
Tarja sighed and checked the time. It was two in the morning in Finland now. Tuomas had really stayed awake to chat with her. He hadn't even told her about going to bed once.  
Hesitating, she opened the chat room again.  
He was offline.  
He had really stayed awake for her ... or at least stayed in the chat room for her.  
With a smile on her face, she typed him again.  
Yes, I was talking about an orgasm. But forget it ... it was stupid. I am stupid and I'm embarrassing. That's something I can give to myself. So ... don't think you need to come over for that. It can wait ... :)


	6. Chapter 6

It was the first thing Tuomas did as he woke up:  
Checking his messages.  
And what Tarja had texted him, let his mouth stand open.  
It can wait.  
It can wait.  
Which basically meant that she considered sleeping with him. And that she considered it, made him even more excited.  
Don't fuck it up this time, he told himself and decided not to reply. He was too scared he'd do something wrong.  
It. Can. Wait.  
Tuomas stared at the words. Did she mean it could wait until her divorce? Oh, please ...  
And then Tuomas did something he hadn't done in a while:  
He took a shower. Yes, he hadn't left the house ever since Tarja had left again. But now he did.   
He got dressed, walked to his car and started it, eager to visit his parents.

Tarja waited for an answer. Why didn't he answer? Maybe her 'it can wait' had scared him away?  
... yeah, sure. As if he didn't want to sleep with her. Luckily they had agreed over a video chat, now Tarja just waited for him to text her when.  
Marcelo wasn't at home, he had left two hours ago. And tonight was a soccer game, so he would spend that evening in a bar. And then he'd come home, either happy or sad, and, depending on if his favourite had won or lost, he'd celebrate it with sex (with her) or simply don't do anything.  
Tarja didn't care and wouldn't care. Not even if he woke her up during the night, whisper "Argentina won! Can we celebrate?"  
If that happened, then Tarja would say yes, turn around and let him do whatever he wanted to do. She had never said no before but she was sure he'd leave her alone if she did so.  
And this day she just eagerly waited for Tuomas to call.

"Mother? Father? I'm so sorry ..."  
The faces of his parents where pale as he entered the house. "I had a really hard time."  
"Tuomas ..." Kirsti Holopainen whispered, "you're so thin!"  
"As I said, I had a hard time."  
"Didn't you get any food, wherever you were?"  
"I didn't leave Kitee for a single time," Tuomas answered and quickly added, "but don't worry, there wasn't anything you could have done." He had seen the shocked faces of his parents. They felt responsible.  
"Emppu said you were not even in Finland," Pentti Holopainen said carefully. "We thought he knew ..."  
"No one knew," Tuomas replied and smiled at his mother, who gave him a buttered bread. "Thanks, ma."  
"I'll cook something. Something big! My baby is back!" Kirsti was close to tears.  
"We ... we thought you were dead," Pentti whispered and sat down opposite his son. "We have given up hope."  
"I was close to death," Tuomas admitted. "I ... don't tell mum. I became an alcoholic."  
Pentti buried his face in his hands.  
"Oh god ..."  
Tuomas decided not to tell them about his drug addiction. The alcohol alone was bad enough already.  
Kirsti came out of the kitchen. Her hands were shaking. "I'm ... I'm cooking your favourite food. And I ... I called Sussu. She was so worried ... she'll come over ..."  
"Shhh, mum," Tuomas tried to calm his mother and hugged her. "I'm so, so sorry for disappearing but the split with Tarja wasn't bearable for me."  
"What made you ..." Pentti went quiet and then he slowly said, "come back?"  
Tuomas knew he had wanted to say "stop drinking".  
Tuomas smiled lightly. "You won't believe it ..."  
"A woman?" Kirsti asked with tears in her eyes and squealed as Tuomas nodded.   
"A very special woman."  
"Who? Who??"  
"Tarja."  
Silence.   
"Turunen?" Kirsti asked and Tuomas nodded again.  
"She came back for a while and she visited me. Just like that ..."  
"Wow. How is she?"  
Don't tell anyone. I beg you, Tuomas!  
"She's fine. She's happy and healthy." Tuomas avoided his mother's eyes.  
"You two talked about your fight?"  
"It wasn't really a fight but yes, we talked."  
"And she's still married to that Argentinean?"  
Tuomas nodded, still not directly looking at his mother. "I still dislike that guy but I'm happy that Tarja is happy. She deserves it."  
Kirsti smiled. "You're a good guy, Tuomas. I'm so glad you're back and I'm so glad that you and Tarja are friends again."  
Tuomas smiled and hugged his mother, who patted his back.  
"And I'm so glad that you quit drinking."  
Tuomas quickly pulled away. "How do you -?!"  
"Please. I know you." Kirsti was smiling but her eyes were sad. "I know you so well that I dare to say you thought about suicide."  
Tuomas let his head sink. "I did."  
"You should see a psychiatrist," Pentti carefully suggested. "I know a good one ... Kirsti and I have been visiting her in the last year but I don't think we need her anymore."  
Tuomas was speechless. His parents had needed a psychiatrist because of him.  
"I'm so sorry ... I'll contact her, I promise."

Tarja squealed as the noise in her laptop popped up. Tuomas had finally texted her.  
Do you want to have a video chat?  
Instead of answering, she pressed the call button. She was wearing glasses, a wide shirt and no make up, but Tuomas had already seen her absolute worst and still loved her.  
And really, as he saw her, he smiled. "Hi, beautiful ..."  
"Hi, handsome," Tarja said gently, while her insides did somersaults. "Where have you been today? I waited for you all the time ..."  
"It's only three in the afternoon in Buenos Aires," Tuomas laughed and then sighed. "Sorry. I was with my parents. I haven't showed myself to them until now."  
"Wait - you didn't immediately see them after I left?" Tarja was shocked and Tuomas shrugged.  
"Well ..."  
"Oh, Tuo," Tarja sighed and shook her head. "What did they say?"  
"They had to consult a psychiatrist," Tuomas whispered. "Because of me. I feel horrible, Tari."  
"Oh," Tarja managed to say.  
"And this woman is my psychiatrist now. I'm seeing her every Thursday from now on."  
Tarja hated herself for feeling a small hint of jealousy in her heart. Why, because of a doctor who tried to help him? Only because she was a woman?  
Get a grip!  
"I wish you all the best." Tarja showed him her thumbs up.   
"Thanks. Tarja, really, I don't know where I'd be now without you."  
"Either inside of a coffin or inside of a hooker," Tarja helped a bit and Tuomas frowned.   
"Thanks. To your information, I rarely did that. Sleeping with prostitutes. Mostly I was too drunk or ... drugged to do that. No, that woman in the night when you saw me was the third one I think."  
"I believe you. It's just not you." Tarja smiled. She knew that Tuomas had always had a strange way of thinking about prostitutes - he pitied them yet thought what they were doing was gross.  
Tarja thought it was their own decision and their own fault if something happened, but Tuomas always used to say, "You don't know how they might have come that far. Maybe they got abused by their husband, ran away and didn't find another job?" But never had Tarja thought she'd see him together with someone like that.  
"Yes. I always wished I could just sleep with someone I actually loved. I can't do it, you know? Loveless sex. I've tried that too, you know."  
"Yeah, I get you. I admire those people who can do that."  
"I don't," Tuomas simply answered. "Loveless sex is horrible. And it's worse if you don't know that person at all. You should at least have some feelings."  
"Yeah," Tarja sighed. "You're right."  
They didn't say anything for a few minutes. The talk was too embarrassing, especially after what Tarja had told him the night before.  
That she needed sex, that she wanted to divorce Marcelo.  
"Sooo," Tuomas finally started, not looking into his laptop. He couldn't face her while asking that. "Have you considered going out and just ... have fun yourself? Without Marcelo?"  
"Considered, yes," Tarja laughed. "I can't do it though. I've never ever cheated on anyone and I will never do it."  
So she'll have to divorce Marcelo first, Tuomas thought, before she can sleep with me.  
"Is cyber sex cheating?" Tarja suddenly blurted out. "Or telephone sex?"  
"Wow, yes, if you ask me. If you don't do it with your partner, of course. Why -" Tuomas fell silent as he noticed what Tarja meant. "Oh."  
Tarja sighed. "I don't know. You can't touch me ... so I think it's not cheating."  
And then she just pulled her shirt over her head, throwing it behind her.  
Tuomas stared at her almost naked body, her perfect breasts, which were covered by her dark red bra. He had seen her in a bikini before, so he could tell that this bra was a push-up bra. He didn't mind though.  
"Say something," Tarja pleaded. "I feel so stupid right now ..."  
"Okay ... You're so gorgeous ..." Tuomas didn't quite know what to say.  
"Do you want me to continue?" Tarja asked, ready to strip off the straps of the bra.  
"No. I mean, yes, I really want you to. But I think you shouldn't do it."  
"You're right," Tarja whispered in a seductive way. "But I don't care."  
She smiled at him and pushed the first strap from her shoulder. But suddenly she froze.  
"Marcelo is back!" she whispered and jumped up, picking up her shirt form the floor. "Sorry, I - he's coming upstairs!"  
Tuomas was speechless, he watched her dress again quickly and then close the laptop - not completely though. The picture went black but he could still hear them.

"Were you talking to someone?" Marcelo asked as he closed the door.  
"I was talking to myself," Tarja said. "Did Argentina win?"  
"If they did, I wouldn't be here now," Marcelo snorted. "I just want to sleep now."  
"Okay. Lay down and I'll bring you a beer, okay?" Tarja offered and Marcelo nodded. But as she took the laptop, he said,  
"Can I have it for a moment?"  
"What for?" Tarja asked, panicking.  
"I just want to check the news," Marcelo said. "God, woman, what is wrong with you? Don't worry, I won't check your feed."  
Tarja stared at him. "I was ... I was watching something."  
Marcelo shrugged. "I told you I wasn't interested in Desperate Housewives. No need to hide it."  
"I know." Tarja swallowed. "I wasn't watching it though, not today."  
"Don't tell me you were watching porn," Marcelo said dryly and laughed as Tarja's eyes widened in shock. "You did watch a porn!"  
"Yes, okay, I was!" Tarja said loudly. "Your own fault if you don't manage to satisfy me!"  
And with those words she stormed out of the bedroom, the laptop still in her hands. She locked herself in the bathroom and opened the laptop again.  
Tuomas was still there.  
"Thanks for talking English," he commented with a lopsided grin and Tarja shook her head. She was close to tears.  
"I can't go back there. Tuomas - I told him he doesn't satisfy me!"  
"I can't imagine that he didn't know yet," Tuomas said carefully. "He's not the smartest guy but he's not that stupid. And it's not hard to tell when a woman fakes an orgasm."  
"How?" Tarja asked quietly.  
"Does the chest redden while she screams out? Orgasm. Doesn't it? Fake. I'm not an expert but that's something every man should know." Tuomas shrugged. "Hey, we should talk another time. He could hear us ..."  
"So what? I don't care, I just told him - am I drunk? I told him I was watching a porn!"  
Tuomas laughed. "Most guys would like that ..."  
"He laughed. He thinks it's funny." Tarja was feeling helpless. "He will never make me forget that I was watching two strangers having sex. I thought you hated it, he will ask me all the time, until I will admit that I actually "like it" when I am masturbating ..."  
"You're watching Desperate Housewives, dear," Tuomas said. "That's even more embarrassing than watching porn while masturbating."  
Tarja just laughed.


	7. Chapter 7

Her name was Hanna Mariia Mäenpää and she was maybe five years older than him, tops. She was blonde, had glasses and was prettier than he had expected her to be. Young and pretty.  
"Are you related to Jari Mäenpää?" Tuomas asked as soon as he entered her office. He hadn't even said hello, he was too surprised by her whole appearance.  
"Who?" the blonde woman asked and Tuomas shook his head. She probably wasn't.   
"Jari of Wintersun and formerly Ensiferum. No, I guess you aren't."  
"I'm sorry, no." The doctor smiled at him, showing a perfect row of white teeth. "So you're Tuomas Holopainen? I'm glad to finally meet you, your parents told me so much about you!"  
"I've heard so," Tuomas muttered. "Thank you for having me, Dr Mäenpää. After all I did to my parents ..."  
"Please," the doctor said gently, "call me Hanna."

That's how it started. Not like he had thought, not at all. She was very easy going and loose, not strict and serious, like Tuomas had thought. He felt good while talking to her, telling her everything about how Nightwish had started in the first session. Told him about Tarja, about how he had met her, about how he had fallen in love with her.  
Hanna asked questions, the right ones. Questions, that Tuomas had never asked himself before. Was he jealous back then, when Tarja had dated Janne?  
No, strangely he hadn't been jealous back then.  
Why not?  
Because he had seen that Tarja hadn't loved him.  
Tuomas felt almost sad when Hanna announced that it was four, but to his relief, she also said, "See you next Thursday at three."  
He went out, feeling a lot better. Maybe a psychiatrist had just been what he needed.

At home his heart jumped with joy as he turned on his laptop, since he had received a message from Tarja.  
How was your session? :)  
Really good, Tuomas typed back. Hanna is a great doctor, I think she'll be able to really help me.  
Hanna? was Tarja's answer. Hanna who?  
Hanna Mariia Mäenpää, but she's not related to Jari from Wintersun, sadly :/

In Argentina, Tarja immediately started googling the woman. She found her website and was surprised about how booked out she was.  
Sadly I can't take any new patients, at the moment. I'm completely booked out, her website said as Tarja clicked on 'contact'.  
But how did she look?  
Tarja clicked on 'about me' and hoped there was a picture. And really.  
A really pretty, young woman was smiling into the camera. She had blonde, short hair and red glasses.  
Hanna M. Mäenpää, 2003, the picture said.  
Okay, so, if this Hanna was around four years older now than on this picture, she had to be around thirty-five now. Tarja guessed she had just been around her age on this picture.  
But all in all, she didn't care about her age. She was young and pretty and she really didn't want Tuomas to be with her every Thursday.   
Haha, pity, she replied to Tuomas. Tell me about her.  
There's not much to tell. She's a doctor, Tuomas replied and Tarja rolled her eyes.   
I'm nosy. Tell me how she looks! :)  
She's quite okay, her looks, I mean.  
Tarja rolled her eyes. 'Okay'.  
She's blonde, Tuomas finally wrote. Has glasses. Quite a nice face. And she's really sweet. As I said, I think she'll really help me.  
That's wonderful, Tarja texted. She hated this jealous feeling inside her chest. How do you mean, sweet?  
Tarja waited for a reply but instead of replying, Tuomas video-called her. Tarja waited for a while, thinking if she should even pick up. She had just taken taken a shower and now she was wearing only a bath robe. But then she just did.  
"Just came out of the shower," she said.  
"I can see that," Tuomas said and smiled. "You're so beautiful with wet hair."  
"You're so stupid," Tarja giggled and then she bit her lip. "Marcelo is at work ... we could continue where we had to stop last time ..."  
"If you want to," Tuomas said carefully. He surely wanted to, so Tarja opened her robe slowly.  
Her heart was beating hard against her chest.  
But finally she let her robe fall.  
Tuomas stared at her for a while, not able to say a word. Tarja smiled, no one had ever reacted like that when she had undressed.  
"We can go further," she suggested and stood up.  
Tuomas moaned as his screen only showed her middle now.  
Then she sat down again. "Wanna go even further?"  
"How?" Tuomas whispered and Tarja winked. She carried the laptop over to her bed and placed it on the blanket, before she sat down in front of it.  
"I'm doing it to myself while you're doing it to yourself, okay?"  
Tuomas was speechless, but he nodded. His pants already felt really tight, too, so he opened them. He stood up to pull them down and Tarja whispered.  
"You're hard, Tuo."  
"I've seen a naked angel," Tuomas replied and Tarja let out an evil laugh.  
"Look, what I have here," she said and opened the upper drawer of the nightstand next to her bed, pulling out a red vibrator. "The only man I've ever fucked with during my marriage."  
"Nice," Tuomas managed to say. He already imagined the red thing buried deep inside of her.  
And then Tarja parted her legs and switched it on. She gently massaged her clit with the vibrating thing, while caressing her breasts.  
Tuomas watched her with his mouth open. He couldn't believe what she was doing, she was really masturbating in front of her laptop. While he was watching.  
And she looked like a queen.  
Also the sounds she made weren't from this earth and Tuomas had to pinch himself. Maybe he was asleep and had yet another sex dream with Tarja? But no, he didn't wake up.  
With a swallow he placed his hands around his hard manhood and moved them up and down, just as Tarja inserted the vibrator inside herself with a push and a loud moan.

Later they just smiled at each other, none of them was able to say a word.  
They knew they had just done something forbidden, something they definitely wouldn't tell anyone.  
"Your chest was red, by the way," Tuomas mumbled.   
"I didn't fake it," Tarja replied.  
"Wait until we're together ...," Tuomas whispered and smiled.  
"Can't wait," Tarja sighed and sent him a kiss, before she logged off.  
And then the bad conscience hit her.  
She had just cheated on Marcelo. In a different way than cheating on someone was considered, but fact was, she did cheat on him. Even though no foreign hands or lips had been involved. Yet she had sex with herself while someone else than her husband was watching.  
Of course this was cheating. How could she have been so naive?

"Tell me more about Tarja," Hanna said. "How you met her, how she's now."  
"We got to know each other when we were around thirteen," Tuomas thought back to his first love. "She was so sweet, yet poor. People used to bully her because of her voice. I always felt like helping her but I didn't. I guess that's why she didn't talk to me in our free time ... you know, we were in the same band before. The jazz band. Gosh, those were the times." Tuomas shook his head. "I was playing the saxophone and Tarja was singing Michael Jackson songs. It was crazy if you compare this to what we did ten years later. Anyway - back then she was still blonde. She looked so different but already back then she was very pretty. She just didn't really consider herself pretty, you know? She was sixteen when she started changing, mostly because of Janne. I told you about him."  
"You did, go on."  
"Well, we didn't see each other for about two years and when I visited her at home, to ask her if she wanted to join my band project, I was dashed. You know, I had imagined a shy, blonde girl to open but she had changed so much. She had gained weight, which I liked. She was so curvy back then, really curvy. Her face had changed too - in a very good way. She had turned from pretty to gorgeous. And her hair, she had dyed it. From blonde to dark brown. I was speechless. Can you imagine?"  
"You never talked a lot, you said," Hanna commented. "So yes, I can imagine that, even though now you're talking quite a lot."  
"Because you're really interested in my life," Tuomas said. "And you're trying to help me ..."  
"Go on, please," Hanna said. "How did she react?"  
"She crossed her arms in front of her chest while I stuttered my apologies and finally popped the question if she wanted to join this acoustic project with three people in amount. And Tarja immediately said yes, she didn't even think about it! It was amazing. I gave her the tape I had produced, I was singing on it. It was horrible. And then I told her we would meet on Saturday. Later I called Emppu, telling him that Tarja had said yes. I even remember what I told him: She has only turned more beautiful, I swear. And she has dark hair now. And she looks so hot! Emppu was pretty amused about this crush of mine. But he didn't have any words as Tarja showed up. And when she started to sing ... I've told you about it already."  
"You have," Hanna said. "Let's continue. Have you ever told her what you felt?"  
"I wanted to, really. But she was already acting strange when we formed the band. She wanted a background singer, an own dressing room, she even wanted a bodyguard. Already back then we called her a diva, telling her that she wasn't a solo singer. She was in a band. I was so annoyed with her ... it was strange, even though I loved her, she annoyed me to no end. So instead of telling her what I felt, I treated her quite bad ..."  
"Oh, Tuomas," Hanna said and shook her head. "That might have been a mistake."  
"It was a huge mistake. I wasn't even nice to her as she and Janne broke up. Though I was happy they did."  
"Do you think she would have fallen in love with you if you had been nicer?" Hanna asked and Tuomas nodded.  
"Yes. I hate myself for not treating her like a queen. That's something I'll definitely change."  
"You will start treating her like a queen now?" Hanna lifted her eyebrows and Tuomas smiled.  
"I'll come to that."

Dearest Tarja, love of my life.  
Tarja's heart started racing as she opened the message.   
I'm still thinking of what happened a few nights ago. And I'm trying hard not to imagine us together in bed ... I know it won't happen that early, so I will just pretend that it was nothing. But I know it was not nothing... I love you and I fell even more in love with you that night. I don't know what to say - you're gorgeous. You know you are and I know my words don't mean anything, but I just wanted to tell you what I see in you: a goddess.  
Tarja took a break from reading the message, quickly opening another tab. That 'I know it won't happen that early' had given her an idea.  
So - what was about in the middle of Argentina and Finland?   
It wasn't that easy, but Tarja decided that Spain was. So she looked for flights to Madrid, one from Buenos Aires and one from Helsinki.  
A week from now, Tarja decided. She found two cheap flights and booked the one from Buenos Aires right away. Then she sent the link of the Helsinki flight to Tuomas.   
Book it. We'll meet in Madrid.  
And then she booked a room for two persons, at a hotel in the heart of Madrid.  
It was risky. Someone could see them.  
Marcelo could find out.  
But she didn't care.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Yes, I'm back! I hope you didn't think I stopped shipping Tuorja cause holy shit no. I just wanted to tell you, that, a week ago, my love for Tarja grew even more. I've seen her live for the 5th time and she's just the most precious thing on earth imo ♥️ so yeah, after the concert I continued this FF. Wanna refresh your memory? Read the last chapter again ;)  
> Love, Rena xx

Tuomas couldn't believe what he was doing.   
He was sitting on a plane, on his way to Madrid. To see Tarja. To sleep with her. Probably.  
... of course!  
Tuomas stared out of the window, praying that no one would recognise him. He had hidden his hair beneath a cap and was wearing sunglasses - also he was shaved. He felt strange but it seemed that it worked. No one had recognised him so far. He wondered how Tarja would do it, she couldn't simply grow herself a beard! Tuomas laughed quietly, as he imagined Tarja with a beard like he had. Oh no, Tarja probably didn't even have a lady beard. The only hair she had was on her head and maybe on her arms.

He got out of the plane in Madrid and walked straight to the exit. He didn't have any luggage besides the hand luggage, after all he planned to stay for one or maybe two nights only. It was Sunday and he had to be back on Thursday for his appointment with Doctor Mäenpää. Hanna.  
He smiled lightly as he thought about the blonde doctor but he quickly stopped himself.  
He loved Tarja!  
Of course falling for the doctor would be much better than if he had fallen for Tarja, after all she was single and Tarja wasn't. Yes, he had stalked Hanna. In the free times when he hadn't chatted with Tarja, he had either written new songs or stalked the blonde doctor.  
And as he walked out of the airport building, his phone already in his hand to check if he could walk to the hotel or if it was better to get a taxi, someone stopped him.  
A woman with short, blonde hair and sunglasses stepped right into his way.

Tarja grinned as she saw him.  
He had hidden his hair beneath a cap and he had shaved. Smart. Only Tarja herself would recognise him, as he had looked just the same some years ago. That had been her plan as well, as she had bought the wig. The hair looked exactly like her former hair from teenage days.  
And his look as she stepped into his way was priceless.  
"Are you looking for me?" she asked in a flirtatious way and Tuomas took his sunglasses off.   
"T-Tarja?"  
"Shhh, are you dumb?" Tarja whispered. "Come, I already got a taxi. Did someone recognise you?"  
"I'm sure there were some at the airport, but no one saw me on the plane. No one knows where I went."  
"Good," Tarja mumbled and pulled him towards a taxi. She got in and started talking Spanish to the driver.  
Tuomas only understood "quick" and "one hundred" ... and really, as they reached the hotel after only five minutes, Tarja gave him a hundred Euro bill.  
"You shouldn't just throw out your money for unnecessary stuff."  
"It wasn't unnecessary, I told him he should wait for us and he did. Good taxi driver."  
Tuomas chuckled, feeling a bit uneasy though. But while he still had his doubts, Tarja already pulled him to the elevator.  
"I already checked in," she purred and caressed his face. "You shaved ..."  
Tuomas smiled, bent his head down and finally, finally kissed her.

He couldn't believe he was kissing Tarja Turunen. The Tarja. The love of his life, the reason he fell into a hole.  
The elevator went open with a bing and Tuomas pulled away slowly. "Tarja ..." he whispered and caressed her cheek. "Oh, sweet Tari ..."  
Tarja shoved him out of the elevator and grabbed his hand. "Come. Quick." She pulled him to a door which said 48 and took the card, unlocking the door. "We have exactly twenty hours until my plane is leaving."  
"I don't want you to leave again, I want you to come back to Finland with me," Tuomas whispered and Tarja sighed.  
"I know and I really want to come with you. But I can't, not yet. Understand that ..."  
Tarja kissed his lips and pulled him inside gently.  
"Tarja, you're about to -," Tuomas mumbled as she closed the door but Tarja put his hand over his mouth.  
"Marcelo is in Mexico and he won't come back until Tuesday evening. He won't even know I was gone."  
"But still, you said -"  
"Tuomas!" Tarja hissed. "I don't want to talk about him or the fact that I'm about to cheat. I want to have orgasms, as much as you can give me. And real meant love declarations, that's what I need. I ..." Tarja wiped her tears away. "I want a night full of pleasure and love. Can you give that to me?"  
"Well, I love you. So yes, I can ..." Tuomas placed his hands on her waist and kissed her, this time not tender and slow but forced and full of emotion.  
Their tongues met and it seemed like their minds would explode, finally they were doing what they had wanted to do years ago already.   
Tuomas didn't wait, he pulled Tarja's shirt over her head, throwing it away. Her bra followed and soon Tuomas was caressing Tarja's breasts, kissing and sucking her hard, pink nipples.   
Tarja moaned and screamed as Tuomas pushed her against the door, opening her jeans.  
"I'll make you cum so hard," he moaned and opened his own jeans, his hardness was pressing against the fabric already.   
"Please," Tarja gasped and helped him with pulling off her jeans and panties.  She lifted a leg and placed it around Tuomas' hip, while he trailed his fingers over her belly.  
"You're so beautiful," he whispered and kissed her again.  
Tarja only felt his fingers on her skin and his lips on hers. His lips were moving, forcing her to part her lips again, until she did and their tongues met again, while his fingers were travelling lower and lower ... Until they found her private area. He dipped his fingers inside of her and moaned.  
"You're wet ..."  
"Of course I am," Tarja whispered and thrust her abdomen against him. "Continue ..."  
"I'm hard because of you," Tuomas mumbled against her belly. He caressed the thigh that was lying on his shoulder and kissed the inside of it, coming closer and closer to her middle. He needed to do it slowly. He was about to make love to Tarja Turunen, something he had dreamed of for years, he had to seize the moment.  
Tuomas looked up at her and then pushed her leg off his shoulder.  
He stood up and turned away.  
"Tarja, this is so wrong ..."  
Tarja was shocked. "Are you kidding? I am about to cheat on someone, not you."  
"That's it. I don't want you to cheat on him ... not with me. You said you'd divorce him and come back to me, that's what I want. Not you running away from him to fuck me and then return. I want you to be mine forever. What's so hard to understand about that?"  
"What I don't understand is ... You're a man. And you're declining to have sex with me?" Tarja laughed. "Are you sure you were after me all the time? Maybe it was Marcelo you fancied and you were just jealous of me!"  
"Oh please!" Tuomas spat. "Not in a million years. Not even if he was the last person on earth."  
Tarja crossed her arms in front of her chest. "So what? Are we going to have sex now or just talk?"  
"Tarja, I'd love to have sex with you," Tuomas said with a pleading look. "But you have to understand me. I can't ... I just can't sleep with a married woman."  
Tarja didn't say anything for a very log time. Her heart ached. He was probably too good for her. He was a good man and she had ripped his heart out and pushed him into a dark, depressing hole.  
"Okay," she finally said. "Then tell me what we can do."

Fifteen minutes later they were sitting in the sauna of the hotel's wellness area. They were cuddling, their eyes closed, every now and then they kissed. The sauna was steamy and no one cared about them. No one could see them kissing and also caressing each other.  
Their bodies were sweaty and hot and Tarja wished that he could just take her right now and here. But instead he pulled her close and kissed her temple.  
"I love you so, so much, Tarja ..."  
Tarja didn't know what to say. Yes, she loved him too. And yes, she would leave Marcelo for him. Yes, she had forgiven him for kicking her out. She had forgiven him for becoming alcoholic, hitting Emppu, doing drugs and sleeping with prostitutes. Because (it was a small detail but she still respected it) he could not have sex with with a married woman.  
Tarja placed her head on his chest and closed her eyes to listen to his heartbeat.   
"I love you too, Tuomas," she sighed.


	9. Chapter 9

Months had passed.   
First weeks, but the weeks had turned into months.  
Weeks and months in which Tuomas had desperately tried to reach Tarja, but with no success.  
He had texted and emailed her a thousand times or more.  
After those months, almost eight, he had given up. He had started drinking again, only beer and wine (and never before eight o'clock) but the amount grew.  
He still consulted Dr Mäenpää regularly, Hanna, a doctor who was respectful towards him, despite his past.  
Sex. Drugs. Alcohol.  
"Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll," she had said one day and smiled. "Been there, done that."  
Hanna Eliisabet Mäenpää.  
After a few weeks he had started asking her questions about her and after some more appointments, in which Hanna realised that Tuomas was getting better and better, she started answering his questions.  
He never told her that he knew so much about her already. He never told her he knew about her age, origin and relationship status.  
31, Lahti, single. His parents bad told him so much about her already.  
He had fallen for the pretty doctor.  
Not the way he had fallen for Tarja, never. Tarja was his true love, his soulmate, his one and only.  
But since Tarja hadn't answered his calls for a while, he had realised that Tarja was still with Marcelo. Yes, she had said she didn't love him anymore. That she was thinking of a divorce.  
But had it ever happened?  
Eight months - had Tarja ever gotten a divorce?  
Tuomas would know. The tabloids would have been full of it, Tarja would have told him. She'd already be back to Finland. So it hadn't happened ...  
That's why Tuomas had started to drink again. But one day his mother had visited him and asked him for a word.   
Sadly he hadn't managed to clean all the mess, some bottles were still around, such as his shattered mirror and blood and other stains on his walls.  
Kirsti was shocked, even though his house looked way better than before. He had washed the carpets, blankets and pillows and had given the rest of his alcohol to Emppu, to whom he had already apologised for everything.  
Of course Emppu couldn't be mad at Tuomas and had already forgotten about the little incident between them.  
But Kirsti still thought it was horrible.  
"What have you been going through," she sighed and pulled her son close. She hugged him tightly. "If you died, I had died too."  
"Oh, mum," Tuomas sighed and kissed his mother's forehead. "I love you so much. I could never kill myself, alone because of you."  
And Kirsti looked up to him. "I think you should get over Tarja. Forget her. She's married. So many women out there would date you without even thinking about it. Go out. Date! There are many girls out there as good a Tarja."  
"That's a wrong statement," Tuomas said. "No one is as good as Tarja. She's the best, she's the prettiest, most perfect, most beautiful and funniest and sweetest ... I could never date another woman."  
"Son," Kirsti sighed and led Tuomas over to the couch, sitting down together. "Son, that's not true either. Yes, Tarja might be the most perfect and beautiful woman to you -"  
"Yes," Tuomas exhaled.  
"But she's not the most perfect woman in real. Look what she did to you! And also she's not the most beautiful woman out there -"  
"To me she is. I love her." Tuomas crossed his arms like a huffy child.  
"And that's wonderful. Love is wonderful. I'm just saying that's she has found her true love, now it's time for you to find yours."  
Tuomas didn't answer.  
_Don't_ _tell_ _anyone_ _._  
Tarja had begged him not to - so he didn't.  
"Didn't you say you liked Dr Mäenpää?" Kirsti asked carefully.  
"Yes. But not like that."  
For some reason Tuomas' heart started racing when he came to think of his blonde and sweet psychiatrist.  
"Are you sure?" Kirsti asked, again very carefully. "Because we got to know her a little and both your father and I think she would be a good call for you."  
Tuomas laughed. "Do you really want a daughter in law who already knows all your dark secrets?"  
Now his mother laughed too. "I get you. But for real, Hanna was such a wonderful and sweet friend to us. Yes, she was more than a doctor! She made us laugh, even when you were gone. We are really fond of her. Also I notice that your cheeks are a little red ..."  
Kirsti pinched her son's cheek.  
"Ouch! Okay, mum, I admit. I kinda, _kinda_ fell for her a bit. But it's nothing compared to what I feel for Tarja."  
"To love and to be in love." Kirsti Holopainen smiled at Tuomas. "I think you know the difference."  
"I'm not in love with Hanna. I fancy her. A bit. I like her. But that's all."  
"Ask her out," Kirsti said bluntly.  
"What?! I can't! She's my psychiatrist!"  
"And? Who said you can't date a person who knows everything about you? Isn't that the best condition to date?  
"I don't know," Tuomas said slowly. "What if she says no? I'll be so embarrassed."  
"Then you can tell her I forced you to asked her. Okay?" Kirsti suggested with a devilish grin and Tuomas gave up.  
"But first I need to get better," he decided and Kirsti agreed.  
The rest of the day they spent cleaning his house.

Slowly Tuomas started feeling better.  
Slowly.  
More months passed in which he waited for Tarja to call but the more days passed, the less he actually cared.  
Yes, he had told Tarja that he loved her. Yes, she had returned it and hadn't called him ever since.  
He could make himself crazy because of it but now he had another reason to care less: Hanna.  
Hanna was such a sweet and funny woman. They laughed, talked about movies and especially movie soundtracks, he showed her his Nightwish songs. And she loved them. She was so thoughtful, when she told him that she really loved the songs, she said, "I know it's Tarja who sings that. I can't deny that she has a wonderful voice, but I really love, is the text and the melody. It's beautiful. You're a true poet, Tuomas."  
Tuomas wrote a short poem for her, nothing fancy nor romantic, just a cute little poem about how her eyes reminded him of the sky.  
And Tuomas was happy when her cheeks reddened as she read it.  
And kept it.  
And Tuomas started to get over Tarja slowly, he started to look forward to his appointments with Hanna and became sad as she noted down, that they could soon close the therapy.  
So one beautiful day in May, Tuomas entered Hanna's office and asked her on a date.  
And Hanna Mäenpää accepted.

"Which movie have you been thinking of?" Hanna asked and clutched her purse nervously.  
She looked all cute with her blonde ponytail and glasses. She wasn't his type, not at all. Tarja was his type. But Hanna ... he had really fallen for her. For her character.  
Looks weren't so important after all.  
"Do you know _The_ _Village_ _?_ " Tuomas asked and gasped playfully as Hanna shook her head. "It's my most favourite movie ever! The soundtrack will blow your mind away. It's _awesome._ You will love it, seriously."  
Hanna laughed. "I trust you! Really, I trust you." She smiled shyly.  
"Okay. I'll get some popcorn ... Make yourself comfortable." Tuomas vanished into the kitchen, jumping in the air.  
It looked good for him.

More weeks passed.  
Even though Hanna knew all he flaws, she still seemed to like him. Tuomas was surprised about that, never had he thought that someone could like someone else even though he knew his deepest secrets. And Tuomas' secrets were deep, he had did drugs, paid hookers to sleep with him, he had been a suicidal alcoholic, had slept with a married woman.  
But Hanna liked him because she could see the person behind all that shit. Other than Tarja, who had first judged him, before she had decided to help him.  
Hanna held his hand while taking walks.  
She invited him to her apartment.  
She kissed him during their third walk by the lake.  
And Tuomas pulled her closer, kissing her deeply.

Their relationship was beautiful.  
Sometimes Tuomas still thought of Tarja but the more time passed, the less he did.  
Hanna soon moved into his house, much to his parents happiness. They visited them every weekend and after a few weeks already they acted like a happy little family.  
Happy ... very happy ... until Tarja returned.

She returned on a rainy day in September, her hair wet (she had forgotten her umbrella and her jacket didn't own a hood) and her mood looked exactly like the weather.  
She rang his doorbell, crying bitter tears. She felt awful and she just hoped that he would pull her into his arms, kiss her, tell her she didn't have to be sorry. That he still loved her, that she could stay with him until she felt better. That he had missed and and that he wasn't mad at her. Tarja would tell him that she had finally managed to leave Marcelo and then she would tell him her little secret. The secret she hadn't told anyone yet ...  
Tarja rang again, banged the door. "Tuomas!"  
She just hoped he was alright.  
She knew she had left him behind even though he had been devastated after she had left him for the first time, yet she had simply never called him again. She had been so scared of Marcelo, that he would find out. He had been so suspicious as she had returned from Spain, Tarja was sure that he knew. So sure ...  
"Tuomas, open!" She banged the door again and finally the door opened.  
And whom she saw, made her heart sink into her pants.  
It was that doctor, for sure. Hanna ... Hanna Mäenpää. Yes. That was her name.  
"Sorry ..."  
"Tuomas is not at home," she said, her voice sounding really sweet and likable. Not even mad or jealous - nothing. And she smiled. "Shall I tell him that you were here?"  
"No ... No thanks," Tarja said through gritted teeth before she turned around and ran back to her car.  
Hanna was inside Tuomas' house ...  
She gripped her steering wheel, thinking of where Tuomas could be.  
At his parent's house, in the studio, at Emppu's house ...  
Probably he was in the studio, so Tarja went there.  
He wasn't there but Tero was. The once so crazy Finn seemed both happy and angry as Tarja entered, even though he never had any problems with Marcelo, he had of course seen that one of his best friends had lost interest in life because of her.  
And now Tarja begged him to tell her where Tuomas was.  
He crossed his arms. "He has a girlfriend now."  
Tarja's heart broke. Just a little ...  
"Yes. I know. I just want to talk to him."  
Tero sighed. "Okay - think. He's writing new songs. Where could he be? And now bye, gotta work to do."  
Tero vanished in the studio while Tarja walked to her car.  
That was easy. She didn't have to think, she knew exactly where he was ...  
His island. Tuomas' island.

Tuomas had gone to his island to write alone. He couldn't write when Hanna was around, she just distracted him to much. Her voice, her laugh, her hands on his body when he tried to concentrate ... He smiled as he thought about his girlfriend. She was wonderful...  
They had never fought before. She would do anything for him and the other way round. They loved each other and they couldn't live without each other ...  
With Tarja it would have been different and Tuomas knew that. He knew they would fight, probably every day. They would fight, make it up, then fight again. And so on. Tarja had a temperament and she always needed to win conversations.  
The longer he spent time with Hanna, the more he understood that his mother had been right about the singer. She was no good for him.  
That was why he almost suffered a heart attack when he heard the door of his cottage fall close, looked up and faced Tarja in front of him, soaking wet from the rain, shivering and crying.


	10. Chapter 10

Tuomas was speechless first. He thought he was dreaming, he had to be. It was _Tarja_ , no one else than _his_ Tarja, standing in his cottage. Her hair was dripping wet and her eyes were red, yet she looked beautiful to him.  
"Tarja!" he exhaled.  
"Tuomas," Tarja whispered. "Finally I've found you. I looked for you everywhere, I've even been at your house!"  
"Oh?" Tuomas got closer to her. "And dis you ... did you meet ..."  
"I met Hanna, yes," Tarja smiled. "Congratulations. She seems wonderful."  
"She is. She helped me through a dark time."  
A short expression of hurt appeared on Tarja's face but before Tuomas could identify it as such, it had disappeared again.  
"Well, let me get you clothes. You can dry yourself in the bedroom, while I'll light a fire." Tuomas took her hand. "You're ice cold."  
"Thank you," Tarja responded and sighed. "I don't know what made me look for you while it was raining like that. I just really missed you."  
She smiled and Tuomas smiled back, eager to ask why she had never even texted him. But it could wait. He led her to the bedroom, looking for his sister's pyjamas. He found them in the back and gave it to Tarja, who eyed the clothes suspiciously.  
"Are these -?"  
"They're Susanna's," Tuomas replied. "I wouldn't give you my girlfriend's clothes."  
Tarja laughed quietly. "I didn't doubt that."  
He left the room while she changed, that gentleman. Tarja dried her body and hair before she hopped into the pyjamas and when she left the bedroom, Tuomas had already lit the fire.  
"Come here and get warm," he said and placed a pillow in front of it. "Sit down, I'll make you tea."  
"Tuomas, not necessary," Tarja tried to keep him from serving her, she just wanted to talk. But Tuomas didn't seem to, or did he first want to make her comfortable?  
She watched him prepare a tea kettle and two mugs. "Are you hungry?"  
"No," Tarja replied. "Slowly the feeling in her hands and feet returned.  
The water boiled and Tuomas took the kettle, pouring the water into the mugs. "I hope rosehip is fine? I don't have any other tea here."  
Tarja chuckled. "It's fine."  
"And you're really not hungry? I got chips here ..." Tuomas seemed quite worried about her.  
"Chips? Thank you but no thank you," Tarja laughed.  
"Why, are you on a diet?" Tuomas joked as he carried the mugs into the living room. "As far as I can remember, you have always loved chips."  
"I still do," Tarja said and took the mug from her friend. It warmed her hands. "But lately I'm getting sick a lot and mostly food makes me sick."  
"What? That's horrible," Tuomas whispered. "Are you ... are you ill? Or On medication?" Tuomas had read horror stories about chemotherapy and its side effects. But to his surprise, Tarja laughed.  
"No, Tuomas. I'm not sick, I'm pregnant."  
Silence.  
Tuomas slowly let the mug sink, staring at the singer. "You ... you're ..."  
"I'm pregnant," Tarja whispered and placed her hand on her belly.  
"But why did you leave Marcelo then?" Tuomas asked. His mind was turning, so he sat down. On the floor, next to Tarja.  
"He doesn't want to have a baby. He has told me all the time and he said that, if I got pregnant, I would have to have an abortion."  
"What?!" Tuomas called. "Is he serious?"  
"He was. But as I asked him to have a vasectomy, since it was so important to him, he laughed at me. Said that contraception was women's stuff."  
"That's such a bullshit," Tuomas inhaled angrily. "So you left him."  
"Exactly. I would never on earth kill an innocent human." Tarja smiled as she caressed her abdomen. "And never on earth should the baby grow up with a father like Marcelo."  
"That's why you came here," Tuomas said and leaned back. Tarja nodded.  
"I ... I had hoped you'd take me back. Even though I simply ignored you for a year."  
"Tarja, I love you," Tuomas said. "You know that. And you know I'd always take you back ... if Hanna wasn't, I would."  
"I get you, it's fine," Tarja quickly said. "I realise that it's my own fault. If I had left Marcelo immediately, we could be happy now. Maybe with our own child on the way." Tarja didn't look at him. "I can't deny that it hurts me. But the most important thing is, that you're happy. And I'll be happy too, far away from Marcelo. I'll look for an apartment in Helsinki and raise my child myself ..."  
"That would be the best," Tuomas replied quietly. "Not the part that you're moving away, though. I want you to stay in Kitee."  
"Really? Tuomas, you have Hanna now. Would you bear the fact that I'm so close to you? You loved me."  
"I _love_ you," Tuomas whispered and took her hand. "I will forever. And it would make me deliriously happy to have you and your daughter or son so close to me."  
"I'll think of it," Tarja mumbled. "I don't know if _I_ can bear living so close to you and ... your girlfriend."  
"You will like her. She's amazing," Tuomas started but quickly realised that he shouldn't talk about his girlfriend to his former lover.  
"I don't doubt that," Tarja laughed. "How much does she know about you and me?"  
"She knows everything, Tari," Tuomas sighed. "Everything, from the start until the end. My dark phase included."  
"She must hate me," Tarja said and shook her head. "For what I've done to you ..."  
"She understands both of us. You chose the path of love, she says that she respects you for that." Tuomas took his friend's hand. "She doesn't hate you and neither do I. I was heartbroken as you didn't text me a single time after our night in Madrid ..."  
"So sorry about that," Tarja whispered. "But when I came back, Marcelo was furious. He screamed at me, saying he knew I as cheating on him. I told him that I didn't and he ... he hit me."  
"What!?" Tuomas growled and jumped up. "I'll kill that bastard!"  
"He apologised immediately," Tarja went on. "He promised me to never do it again ... and he didn't do it again. He just lost his temper and I deserved it. I mean, I did cheat on him ..."  
"Why would you say that you deserved it?" Tuomas was shocked. "I mean, yes. You cheated on him but you didn't deserve to be slapped! No one deserves that but the men who hit women. I am so angry right now!"  
"Tuo, please come down. It's okay. I left him." Tarja pulled Tuomas back to the floor. "I'm here now. I won't return. I'll get a divorce."  
"Okay." Tuomas' face was deep red. "Little bastard. No one slaps my Tarja ..."  
"I'm still your Tarja?"  
Tarja couldn't help but smile in awe.  
"You'll always be." Tuomas' eyes were gentle as he looked at her. "You've been my Tarja since childhood days and that will never change."  
They looked at each other for a while, speechless about how everything had changed in such a short time and wondering about it should go on.  
Though both of them knew exactly how it _should_ go on, they weren't happy about it.

Tuomas let Tarja sleep in his bed.  
She had finished her tea and was yawning all the time, asked Tuomas to sleep on the couch.  
"I can't let an expecting mother sleep on the couch," Tuomas had replied and offered Tarja to sleep in his bed. The bedroom wasn't warmer than the living room but Tuomas got another blanket, tucking her in.  
He made sure to wait until Tarja was fast asleep before he called his girlfriend.  
"Has she found you?" was her greeting.  
"Yes," Tuomas breathed. "Hanna, she's pregnant!"  
"What? Then why did she leave her husband?"  
"He wants her to abort the baby. And he hit her."  
Hanna didn't answer for a while. Then she asked slowly, "Where is she now?"  
"In the cottage. She's thinking of coming back to Kitee."  
"Okay," Hanna said slowly. "You've told me some things about her husband and as far as I know he's quite possessive. Do you think he will look for her?"  
"Definitely," Tuomas replied. "But I also don't know what she said to him. If she left without a single word or if she told him that she would keep the baby and wanted to get a divorce."  
"However, we need to make sure she's safe," Hanna said slowly. "At least until we know if she's in danger."  
"Have I ever told you how much I love you?" Tuomas said, his heart swelling. "You're helping me with my ... basically ex girlfriend."  
Hanna laughed. "No, she's not your ex girlfriend. Only the ex love of your life."  
Now Tuomas laughed too.

Tarja was holding her breath.  
She had waited long enough until Tuomas had left her alone and called his girlfriend; and now that he was talking to her, Tarja had tiptoed to the door and pressed her ear against it.  
She regretted it only two minutes later, as Tuomas told his Hanna how much he loved her.  
He loved her ...  
Her heart felt strange all of a sudden, it felt heavy and it hurt. Tarja of course knew what it meant, she was sad. Sad and angry. About the fact that Tuomas had found a woman but it wasn't her.  
She had to remind herself that _she_ had left _him._ It was his damn right to look for happiness somewhere else. Had she really expected him to wait for her?  
To run after her?  
Yes. The answer was yes, Tarja had really expected him to wait for her. She had wanted him to wait, even though she hadn't told him.  
Suddenly Tarja felt like a dumb, little girl, who desperately wanted something she couldn't have. Something, she had pushed away because it hadn't been good enough for her, but now that another girl was playing with it, she wanted it back.  
Tarja went back to the bed, burying her face in the pillow.  
_Tuomas deserves happiness and so does Hanna ..._ _they're_ _happy_ _..._ _don't_ _be jealous ..._ _Yes_ _, you could have had him too but you were first selfish, then scared ..._ _now_ _leave him behind you and find_ _your_ _own happiness ..._  
Tarja had learned to hide her feelings over the years. That was why she wasn't crying when Tuomas came back to the bedroom.  
"Tarja?" he whispered and Tarja squeezed her eyes shut, hoping he would believe that she was still sleeping.  
Obviously he did, as he knelt down on the bedside and started caressing her face.  
"My beautiful Tari ... I promise you, I will be there for you and your baby. As if it was mine. And Hanna will help you, as if it was hers. We will take care of her when you're touring."  
Tarja continued pretending that she was asleep but Tuomas knew her all to well to look through her acting.  
"Tarja, I know you can hear me," he said. "You're not sleeping. Tarja snores when she's asleep."  
Tarja let out a little snore, which made Tuomas laugh loudly.  
"Got you, Tarja. You can open your eyes, I know you're awake."  
Tarja opened her eyes. "How?"  
"Because I'm not stupid. Why did you pretend you're asleep?"  
"Because you were so worried about me. I wanted to make you feel good." Tarja mumbled. "The truth is that I haven't slept in a while. I simply can't sleep anymore, I'm scared twenty-four hours a day."  
"You're safe now, Tari. You don't need to be scared anymore, so why are you?"  
"It's not only because of Marcelo," Tarja said. "It's everything. How will it be with a kid? My life, my career, my fans, my family, you ... your girlfriend ... me ... everything will change!" Tarja seemed distressed. "I thought of giving the baby away but I can't do that. I now realise that I've always wanted a kid. But I'm still scared about what everyone will say ... especially now that I'm not with Marcelo anymore. They'll say I was unfaithful or ... I don't know. I'm just scared."  
"I can't help you with those fears but maybe I can take one fear from you," Tuomas said, deeply thinking. "The last one. That people will say that you were unfaithful. First of all, what do they care? It's none of their business, Tari. And second, Marcelo is Argentinean. Do you really think your baby will be one hundred per cent white? Your baby is fifty per cent Argentine, which means its skin colour will be at least a little proof that you didn't cheat on him. At least not with a guy from Finland or Scotland or ... China."  
Tarja laughed. "Oh my god, Tuomas."  
"You're laughing. That's good." Tuomas smiled and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. "You can live here as long as you need to. And Hanna is coming right over with a week ration of food. I'll just sail to the shore to pick her up, okay?"  
"You don't need to do that for me," Tarja sighed and Tuomas took her hand.  
Looked into her eyes deeply.  
"I would do anything for you."


End file.
